Crossroads

I don’t know whether or not to be depressed or excited, and most likely I am a little of both.

I am at a crossroads in my life and there are so many things that I want to hold on to, but in order to move on, I may have to let them go, at least temporarily. I dont even know why it’s so hard to let go, because almost everything other than my beautiful wife and pup dog reminds me of a period of my life that, in retrospect was the worst I could’ve had.

At the same time I am both directionless and as convicted as ever. It’s not even about change anymore, but more that the new path being explored is the one I should’ve always been on in the first place.

Why did I work for people who had nothing but greed and selfishness in their hearts?
Did I gain those attributes myself?
Am I capable of a modest lifestyle characterized by those with whom I share it and not the things I own?

I think I am, but the coolest part about being happily married is that decisions are not made in a singular vacuum. Much of the last few years has been Justin-centric, and perhaps I was so “myopic” that I couldn’t see it clearly. But it all makes perfect sense now, and I want nothing more than for my wife to wake up every morning feeling like we are in a good place. And while we sit and enjoy our path, the pup-nut sleeps next to us.

I want to have a child, and the fact that other people have taken that flexibility away from me is very difficult, and it’s not fair for my wife to feel the residual stress. But I’m done letting other people direct my life, and if that means a drastic change in either location or inner circle, so be it. It may be that some of the very few genuine people fall by the wayside as a result.

But I don’t care.

I am tired of being reminded in any way of the last 7 years of my life. I look forward to the day that I wake up in Austin, Palo Alto, New York, London, or wherever and nothing in my field of vision (literally or figuratively) reeks of the last phase of my life. It was a worthless, sinister, selfish pursuit designed to suck as much life out of talented people as possible and use their talents for the benefit of some of the most ignorant, evil and hypocritical people on the planet.

But I don’t care.

I don’t believe in the doctrine of ‘sowing and reaping’ as it relates to our lives on this Earth, but when I hear of the struggles and the difficulties that those evil people are going through, I can’t help but shrug my shoulders and say, ‘life get’s alot tougher when you don’t tell the truth, doesn’t it?’

Screw them. Instead of feeling sorry for myself that the last 7 years of my life are a complete disaster (with the very important exceptions of my wife and pup dog), as I sit here typing tonight, I truly believe I have a new perspective…perhaps hyperopia?

Thank God that I didn’t waste 30 years of my life unwittingly pursuing evil. In the grand scheme, 7 years isn’t all that long of a time. It only feels that way when it’s presented as 100% of this phase of life.

I love you wife and I love you pup. Wherever we find ourselves in a year, as long as we make those decisions with our own happiness in mind, we will be fine.