A True Friend

I am reading the latest biography of President Andrew Jackson. The main purpose is to learn more about his interactions as President with the newly created Federal banking system, and his attempts and successes at putting the bank down. But along that path I uncovered an interesting passage. In Jackson’s mother’s last days she said,

“You can make friends by being honest, and you can keep them by being steadfast. You must keep in mind that any friend worth having will in the long run expect as much from you as they give to you.”

I have many character flaws, but one of them is that I give too much to my friendships. Almost without exception (my wonderful wife being that exception), I put more into my friendships than I get out. I have high standards for people and, however it may come off to them, truly want the best for them. But I do ask for some level of reciprocation on their part. And that is where things seem to get stuck…the proverbial ceiling on the friendship that I have bloodied my head on more times than I care to remember.

Many of my childhood friends were from church groups. In today’s social networking-savvy world, I can say that I am “e-friends” with a few of them, but have not received any sort of communication initiated by them. I guess we are friendly enough to take the time to “accept” such “friendship” but nothing more. I am torn because a part of me really wants to know how they are doing, but I am exhausted from caring without any care in return.

Someone that I thought was my best friend in high school went off the radar for years, despite attempts from me and others to connect. We would call or write, but none ever got a response. One day some years later I was enduring my 4th straight day in the hospital as my mother was battling breast cancer and recovering from a few days of successful, though trying, surgery. A one-off attempt to contact this friend actually resulted in an answer. The exchange between my former friend and a true friend who was with me at the hospital went something like this…

Real friend- “Wow…what are you up to?”
Fuckface- “I’m helping my brother with his college applications.”
Real friend- “Oh. I meant like what are you doing in life these days…I’m up at the hospital with Justin.”
FF- “Wow I havent seen him in a long time.”

There was no mention of me, not even a request to hand the phone over so that two alleged “friends” could touch base after 5+ years of zero communication. Not even a half-assed expression of concern as to why I might have been in the hospital waiting room.

Am I wrong to not give a second thought to anything that happens to him in the future? I realize I should care, but how long can someone put up a facade when the person on the other end of the relationship blatantly doesnt care? Is it enough to not actively cause someone personal pain or grief, or to not wish such conditions, to constitute a friendship? If so, I have billions of friends, and each one is worth about that proportion of my efforts. 

Now…on the subject of alleged “friends” actually going out of their way to make conscious decisions to inflict harm on me and my family…there will be a day when I can put that into words, but even the most skeptical among you would not give much credence to that “friendship.”

In the end I suppose I can thank my wife for being a friend, and a few others who have been there for me. To those people I say thank you. And to the rest of you, a similarly concise 2-word phrase ending in “you”. The first word starts with an “F”. I’ll let you figure it out.